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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25416958">Let's Go Live</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstyelephant/pseuds/angstyelephant'>angstyelephant</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Knights of Gotham [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batgirl (Comics), Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and the Signal (Comics), DCU (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bruce Wayne is Batman, Cassandra Cain is Black Bat, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Crack, Damian Wayne is Robin, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Duke Thomas is Signal, Family Fun Time, Fluff and Crack, Jason Todd is Red Hood, LITERALLY, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Not beta read we die like robins, Stephanie Brown is Spoiler, Tim Drake is Red Robin, also can you pick out the @s? lil hints ;-), basically the bats are tired and are having a bit of fun, clowns the lot of them, they know all the tea and aren't afraid to spill it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:40:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,888</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25416958</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstyelephant/pseuds/angstyelephant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Bats host a Q&amp;A.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Batfamily Members &amp; Other(s), Cassandra Cain &amp; Tim Drake &amp; Dick Grayson &amp; Duke Thomas &amp; Jason Todd &amp; Bruce Wayne &amp; Damian Wayne, Stephanie Brown &amp; Tim Drake &amp; Dick Grayson &amp; Duke Thomas &amp; Jason Todd &amp; Bruce Wayne &amp; Damian Wayne</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Knights of Gotham [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/614036</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>192</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>the batman family</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Bats Go Live</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is pure tomfoolery. </p><p>Something I will note here: I get very confused between when Steph was Spoiler and Batgirl and when Cass was Batgirl and Black Bat. Since I'm screwing with timelines, and those two aren't always clear to me, I'm going to keep Steph as Spoiler and Cass as BB for the time being unless I need to change it. I keep the identity tags in the thingy above, please check as needed.</p><p>Events referenced: none. Timelines messed with: this is the seventh entry (eighth?) in this KoG series, y'all should know I am NEVER canon-compliant. </p><p>Constructive criticism is always appreciated!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tim could see the pre-uploaded live viewer count increase by the hundreds. The family still had two minutes before they would be able to begin the live, and the viewer count was rapidly approaching one million. Tim checked his mask, making sure it was securely on.<br/>
“Everyone ready?” Dick called out. Tim waved his hand, acknowledging.<br/>
“What’s the count?” Jason asked, leaning against the Batmobile, his signature helmet at his feet. Tim noticed he was on the opposite side of the allotted filming space from Bruce, next to Duke in his Signal suit. Cass was perched on the roof of the vehicle, Steph climbing up to join her. Damian was walking down with water bottles clutched in his arms.<br/>
“We’re at,” Tim checked the count, “1,942,683…8…697 and forty-two seconds left.” Jason whistled softly behind him.</p><p>Tim double-checked the encryption levels on the stream, making sure everything outside of the approved scope was blurred and blacked out. The origin signal for the stream was being bounced off of nearly every satellite in Earth’s orbit, WayneTech or otherwise. Every identifier was blocked out.</p><p>With the stress of rogues repeatedly slipping out of their hands and an uncomfortably close victory in Coast City against Sinestro and the Yellow Lantern Corps, Tim and Duke realized that the family, the entire family, needed to let off steam. What better way, they thought, than having a harmless Q&amp;A session with the public. Bruce and Jason, ironically, were the hardest to convince. Kate and Babs were both unavailable—or more likely, unwilling—to join them, something about a dinner with the Birds of Prey.</p><p>“Alright, ready?” Tim called out, seeing the “Ready to Begin Live” button appear. He tossed a phone to Cass. He Air-played the screen to the Batcomputer, letting the team see everything that came in. Cass needed to have something in her hand to distract herself, while Steph decided she wanted to read out questions. Once he received multiple “okays,” “yeahs,” and one “What do you think, fucker,” Tim began the live.</p><p>Viewers nearly doubled as they watched Gotham’s beloved heroes appear on their screens. Black Bat and Spoiler nearly doubled back as they watched comments roll in by the hundred. Tim scrambled back to the Batmobile, sitting down next to Nightwing and Robin in front of the bumper.<br/>
“Uh, hi!” He waved to the camera. “We decided to take a few questions. Something to pass the time, have some fun.”<br/>
“Send in some questions, comments, criticisms to the big bad Bat, and we’ll try to answer them,” Nightwing said, feeling extremely awkward talking to a camera.<br/>
“Although,” Spoiler piped up, “there’s a lot of comments coming in—and I mean a lot a lot—so we won’t get to them all.” She whispered the next bit to Black Bat, “And I really don’t wanna get to some of the more, uh…yeah.”</p><p>Black Bat held one question down, knowing this one would be fun. Spoiler nodded, reading it aloud. “Okay, from @eyeris: who’s the best and who’s the worst in the kitchen?”<br/>
“I’m the best,” Red Hood said, his modulated voice prompting numerous…less-than-appropriate comments.<br/>
“I don’t know,” Nightwing countered. “I make a mean bake—“<br/>
“Mean on my stomach, nothing nice about that, Wing,” Red Robin replied. Robin agreed with him.<br/>
“Hood doesn’t try to poison us—“<br/>
“I didn’t try to poison you! That was one time!”<br/>
“One: putting raw chicken into a bake and then not baking it for long enough is technically classified as poisoning,” Batman said, nipping the argument in the bud. “Two: Hood learned from the actual best; therefore, he is the best. Spoiler, Black Bat, move on.”</p><p>Black Bat held down the next question, prompting an obnoxious guffaw from Signal and an uncharacteristic snort from Robin.<br/>
“From @troyofdonna: are, uh…Red Hood and Nightwing banging?” Spoiler tried to hold her laughter back. They couldn’t see Hood’s face under the helmet, but if his hands reaching for his guns were any hint, he was not happy about it.<br/>
“Hey, user, I’m not afraid to kill yo—“<br/>
“No! No killing!” Nightwing yelled. “And no! No banging, that…that’s gross, fuck.” He waved his gauntlets frantically.</p><p>“Okay next!” Spoiler laughed. “I like this one, BB. From @ballenarry: are you guys rich? If yes, who’s the richest?” Immediately, everyone pointed to Batman, who simply shrugged, stoic.<br/>
“We’re comfortable.”<br/>
“Yeah,” Signal replied, “if comfortable meant funding a fucking cave full of fancy toys.”<br/>
“Wayne is…helpful,” Batman acknowledged, referencing the recent headline that announced Wayne Enterprises as a benefactor to Batman, Inc.<br/>
“If it helps, my credit score says ‘I’m so far in the red, MAC’s Russian Red doesn’t compare’,” Nightwing joked.<br/>
“Mine doesn’t because I’m smarter than you,” Red Robin countered.<br/>
“You’re younger than me by like, ten years.”<br/>
“Eight, and I actually <em>have</em> a black card.”</p><p>Black Bat quickly signed if she could read this one out. “From @underthesea: what do you like to do for fun?” She was slightly hesitant, coming off to the viewers as possibly shy, but she could feel the others' pride over her reading the comment. “I like…dancing. Ballet,” she nodded happily.<br/>
“BB’s a really good dancer!” Signal jumped. Everyone agreed.<br/>
“She’s tried to teach me a move and once I pulled both hamstrings,” Hood said.<br/>
“She’s tried teaching us all moves and excluding Wing, we’ve all snapped something,” Spoiler said. Black Bat looked chuffed.<br/>
“Baby Bird over here likes to draw,” Nightwing said. He pointed to Red Robin, “this one likes to explore new coffee shops and cafes.”<br/>
“Replacement’s got fine taste,” Hood said, prompting confused faces from several people. “What, a man’s gotta eat.”<br/>
“Please never say that again.” Spoiler pointed to the comments, asking Hood to eat…other things.</p><p>“From @annataz: big belly burger or bat burger?”<br/>
“Batburger,” Batman deadpanned. “Next question.”</p><p>“From @lookupinthesky: favorite movie?” Spoiler asked. Chaos ensued.<br/>
“From Russia with Love!” Spoiler cried almost immediately. Robin stood up, protesting.<br/>
“No, no! Ghostbusters!”<br/>
“Shut up, demon! We all know its Black Panther—“ Red Robin countered.<br/>
“Excuse me, you tasteless poltroons, it’s Pride and Prejudice. Any iteration except that zombie one,” Hood said, squaring up for a fight.<br/>
“Oh, please, Romeo + Juliet is better than—“<br/>
“Say another word, Signal, and I’ll wipe the floor with your ass.”<br/>
“Enough!” Batman yelled, silencing everyone in the room. “It’s Titanic,” he said, immediately starting another argument.</p><p>“How about this,” Spoiler said, an ice pack held against her jaw. “From @fancyyyyouuu: skincare tips?”<br/>
“BB and I love using Aritaum and Laniege masks. Missha and Moonshot for the best lasting foundation,” Spoiler said happily, Black Bat nodding in agreement.<br/>
“I have bad acne every now and then. Body Shop Tea Tree,” Red Robin added. He pulled out bits of feather from Nightwing’s hair.<br/>
“This ain’t skin, but baby shampoo is great for helmet head,” Hood said, his cracked helmet in his hands and a red domino covering his identity.<br/>
“Aztec Clay Mask,” Signal said, messing with a dent in his armor.<br/>
“Mother used rose water and fuller’s earth,” Robin said, playing with a broken bit of Red Robin’s Vegas wing.</p><p>Black Bat held down another question. “From @shawtyimmapartytillthesundown: useless talents!”<br/>
“Nightwing can juggle eggs while riding a tricycle,” Batman said, sounding almost proud.<br/>
Signal made a noise. “Exactly why can you do that?”<br/>
“I can break a watermelon with my thighs,” Hood said, openly smiling.<br/>
“Yikes, folks, the comments…” Spoiler mumbled. “Also, that’s not useless!”<br/>
“Can I learn?” Black Bat asked quietly.<br/>
Hood nodded, “I’ll give Artemis your number.”<br/>
“RR knows how to get coffee out of keyboards,” Signal added.<br/>
“That isn’t a talent, the fact that I know how to is pathetic,” Red Robin shook his head, dejected.<br/>
“You know who has the best useless talent,” Nightwing prompted. “Bats can fight in heels.” Batman made a noise, probably threatening Nightwing, who ignored him.<br/>
“I need this story,” Spoiler demanded.<br/>
Hood laughed, “I remember that! Wonder Woman dared him and Superman to wear her heels for a day. B’s head was so far up his ass, he actually ordered four-inch heels in his and Supe’s size and wore it all day.”<br/>
“Where’s the return policy on children,” Batman mumbled.<br/>
“Lapsed and expired years ago, sucker,” Nightwing mocked.</p><p>“How about one more?” Spoiler asked around. “From @speedyboi: what’s the worst smelling place you’ve been to?”<br/>
“Nightwing’s apartment,” Hood deadpanned, eliciting a horrified “Hey!” from him.<br/>
“The sewers in San Francisco. Fish, sewage, all kinds of straight-up nasty. Add KF and Flash-quantity burritos and it’s a fucking nightmare,” Red Robin groaned.<br/>
“I dunno, man,” Signal started, knowing this would start a fight, but having the strongest urge to poke Robin’s buttons. “Batcow’s pen isn’t that great either.”<br/>
“How dare you—!” Nightwing physically sat on Robin to stop him from assaulting Signal.<br/>
“When I was a kid,” Batman started, “my parents and I went on a trip to Sweden. It was a fish market and I fell into a refill bucket of Surströmming. It’s one of the more…stronger smelling fermented seafood.”<br/>
“I can attest to this,” Agent A said behind the scenes. Comments rolled through on the mystery of the voice. “Batman’s clothing from that day smelled so foul, it had to be burned and the boy had to be bathed repeatedly.”<br/>
“It tastes quite good when prepared,” Batman shrugged.</p><p>“Thanks for sending in questions, we had fun!” Spoiler said, clapping her hands.<br/>
“Maybe we’ll do this again, maybe we won’t, who knows?” Nightwing said, still sitting on a seething Robin, this time with Hood’s help.<br/>
“I think we should, some of these comments are—“ Signal was interrupted by Agent A.<br/>
“Heroes, there has been a break-in at Wayne R&amp;D, the branch near Knights Stadium. It’s the Sirens.”</p><p>Viewers were able to see Spoiler and Black Bat swing off the Batmobile, Nightwing, Signal, and Red Hood run towards their bikes. The last thing viewers saw was the cracked Vegas Wings and Red Robin’s jaw as he rushed to end the feed. The last thing they heard was the roar of the Batmobile coming to life and speeding out of the cave.</p><p>The following morning, Tim saw the headlines in his office at Wayne Tower: “Gotham’s heroes reveal ‘inner secrets’ to 6.5M people live,” “Red Hood’s Voice and Thighs are Everything We Need,” “Korean Brands Want Gotham’s Leading Ladies,” and “Batman: A Smelly, Stinky Little Bastard Boy.” His favorite, arguably, was the following on Buzzfeed: “Hey Siri, How Do I Bag Red Robin and His Wallet?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Waynes' Turn</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which the Waynes host a Q&amp;A.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have no explanation or continuity.</p><p>Nothing is canon. Everything is straight out of my donkey.</p><p>Constructive criticism is always appreciated!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tim realized that in the world of social media, no family or individual could stay hidden for long and especially not a family as prominent as the Waynes. Imagine his sigh when the head of WE’s PR department sent him an email about ‘being mentioned in that wildly successful live by the Bats’ and ‘building on that to further WE’s efforts.’ Efforts in what, Tim wasn’t entirely sure, but they even copied Bruce and Lucius on it, and if Lucius was involved, there was no way to back out.</p><p> </p><p>Here they were, nearly a week after the email and two after the original live, in the family room on the second floor of the East Wing, ready to go. Tim was, like before, fiddling with the camera and the encryption. It didn’t matter if viewers knew where they were, he wasn’t about to take any chances with the Manor’s security.</p><p> </p><p>Behind him, Dick was situated on the love seat, his back against the armrest and legs sprawled on Jason next to him. Damian was seated on the three-seater, next to Bruce and an empty space for Tim. Cass and Duke were on the floor, Cass keeping her role from last time and Duke replacing Steph. Titus and Ace were curled up on the floor, Alfred the Cat sleeping on Damian’s lap.</p><p> </p><p>Steph and Babs weren’t <em>legally</em> a part of the Wayne family, making their appearance unlikely. Babs was willing to this time, but PR said something about ‘making Gotham’s most eligible <em>actually</em> look eligible’ in a follow-up email. Tim understood the sentiment: exes were a no-no in the public celebrity world. Kate, like last time, was unwilling to join, opting to take them on a road trip with the other Birds of Prey.</p><p> </p><p>Here they were, the viewer count in the waiting room nearing the three million mark. Alfred had set up drinks and some snacks on the coffee table in front of the sofas, while Bruce was going over the final checklist of basic answers.</p><p>“No information on Talia, or anything beyond the general for your birth parents, Duke. And Jason—“</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” he said, messing with the cuff on Dick’s jeans. “No spilling on how fun waking up in your coffin is.”</p><p>“Jason, please.”</p><p>“‘Jason, please’,” he mocked, his voice going nasally. “Hey, we ready yet?” He threw a baby carrot at the back of Tim’s head.</p><p>“Yeah,” Tim said, catching the vegetable and biting it, “three and a half mil, thirty seconds.” Reminiscent of the first live, he handed a phone to Cass and Duke, Air-dropping the screen onto the plasma television on the wall. He adjusted the camera one last time, making sure it caught everyone in frame. He activated the stream when the “Ready to Begin Live” prompt appeared, before joining Bruce and Damian on the long couch.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi, “ Tim started, “We’re the Waynes—“</p><p>“Oh, for real?”</p><p>“Shut up, Jason. We were name-dropped by Batman during their livestream, so we decided to do one of our own. We’ll try to answer as many questions as we can, so fire away.”</p><p>Duke whistled lowly when they noticed how many viewers and questions were rolling through. Dick laughed when he saw the viewer count.</p><p>“Man, we already beat the Bats’ six and a half mil!” He said, referring to the current viewer count of seven million.</p><p> </p><p>Cass tapped on Duke’s shoulder, bringing his attention back to their task from watching Dick reach for a snack and almost kick Jason in the face. She held down a question.</p><p>“Okay, okay. @whereswally asks: since when is Jason alive and how the hell did that happen?” Everyone turned to Bruce, even Jason with the shit-eating grin on his face, prodding him to <em>go ahead, old man, explain my resurrection away</em>.</p><p>“It happened during that Crisis the Justice League caused a while ago. It brought back my son, as well as a significant number of other people.” He was nonchalant, using the recent Crisis event that involved a wave of antimatter and the public revelation of the truth behind the multiverse theory. “I don’t think any of us are complaining, we’re glad to have him back.”</p><p>“‘We’re glad to have him back’,” Jason mocked again, trying to get another rise out of Bruce. He simply sighed, tapping on Cass’ head to prompt her for the next question.</p><p> </p><p>The next question Cass held down was one Duke knew would get Dick riled up. “@notsmallville asks: is cereal soup?”</p><p>“No! It is not soup!” Dick yelled out, sitting up on the couch. Jason groaned when his foot put pressure on his crotch, nearly attacking Dick. Tim decided to bait him further.</p><p>“There was <a href="http://flathatnews.com/2017/11/13/is-it-soup-or-is-it-cereal/">an op-ed by a student at the College of William and Mary</a> who said that “soup is anything that extracts flavor from a product by letting it soak in broth” and that cereal, in the traditional sense, is grain. Hot soups can have grains like barley while dry breakfast cereal is typically made from wheat and oat, which is made more flavorful by soaking in broth or, in this case, milk. Cereal is soup, and because we eat bread and soup together, a grain and broth, soup is cereal.” </p><p>“I’m gonna kill you in your sleep, Tim.”</p><p> </p><p>Cass seemed to have a grudge against the oldest ones in the family, because her next question was an attack on Jason.</p><p>“Cassie, please,” Duke said softly, before faltering when the look in her eyes said otherwise. “Fine, @snakesandarrows asks: are hot dogs a sandwich?”</p><p>“That’s Roy, isn’t it,” Jason said, pushing Dick’s legs off of him one more time. “I’m gonna kill <em>you</em> in your sleep, man. Don’t start with me,” he threatened, staring straight at the camera.</p><p>“He sent three crying laughing emojis with a middle finger emoji,” Duke said.</p><p>“Isn’t so fun anymore, is it, little wing?” Dick teased, putting his foot against Jason’s face.</p><p> </p><p>“Damian,” Duke said, reading another question, “@jonnyboykent asks: you’re the youngest, who’s the best sibling?”</p><p>“None of them. They’re all terrible,” he deadpanned, stroking Alfred the Cat’s fur.</p><p>“You’re worse, you little—“ Tim yelled, before Bruce put a hand on his face to stop the <em>CEO of Wayne Enterprises, one of the largest conglomerates on the planet</em>, from going any further.</p><p>Dick’s reaction was the worst, arguably: “I took <em>care</em> of you, baby bird! How <em>could you</em> do me this dirty?” The tears in his eyes did nothing for Damian, who simply shrugged.</p><p>“Next.”</p><p> </p><p>“@annataz asks: big belly burger or bat burger?”</p><p>“Batburger,” Bruce deadpanned. “Next question.”</p><p> </p><p>Cass held down one from Steph aimed at her, silently asked Duke if she could read it. He nodded happily. “@steffieb asks: cass who is your favorite sibling?” She looked at Jason and Dick, both of whom had looks of apology on their faces. “Tim and Duke.”</p><p>“Huh?” Tim asked, genuinely very confused, while Duke simply gave her a side hug. Dick clutched his shirt, lying back dramatically.</p><p>“Wow, one bird, two stones, huh, Goldie.”</p><p>“I’m hurt, Cassie.”</p><p> </p><p>Duke read out the next question, “@youngbaekftloco asks: who’s worth the most? It’s Bruce, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Actually,” Bruce said, sounding proud, “it’s Tim now.”</p><p>Tim looked absolutely chuffed. “Black card.”</p><p>“Follow up question: @poppingjumping asks: who’s worth more, Tim or Red Robin?” Everyone in the room turned back to Tim after Duke finished the question, trying to see how Tim could walk his way out of this one without either outing himself, making it seem awkward, or making it seem as if the two were in a relationship.</p><p>“Red’s got nothing on me.”</p><p> </p><p>Cass giggled when she held down the next question, making Duke look at her in fear. Cass nodded rapidly.</p><p>“What’s taking so long?” Damian asked, genuinely impatient and chewing on a cracker.</p><p>“Ladies and Cass, put on your belts,” Duke said, giving up the fight. “@paradiseprincess asks: who’s the best robin?”</p><p>“Obviously, it’s the current Robin!” Damian said, standing on the sofa and lifting Alfred the Cat with him. Bruce tugged him back down. It was as if the animals had sensed the oncoming conflict, because all three animals quickly scampered off.</p><p>“Fuck you, brat, it’s Red Robin—“</p><p>“Red ain’t even a fucking Robin, what’s he gonna do, throw a laptop at me or something?”</p><p>“I hope he does!”</p><p>“It’s the first Robin, the OG—“</p><p>“Shut up, Dick!” No one was really sure who said that one. Duke and Cass suddenly stood and ran to the other side of the room when Damian threw chips at Jason, who loudly proclaimed that ‘the second Robin, may whatever God <em>bless his everlasting soul</em>, was the best Robin and none of the other copycats could beat him,’ to which Dick shouted that ‘he was a copy himself!’</p><p>“Enough!” Bruce shouted, calming the four Robins down enough to get a word in. “It’s Spoiler.”</p><p>“Oh, fuck you—!“</p><p> </p><p>Duke situated a bowl of popcorn on his lap, while Cass sipped on an iced coffee. She held down the next question.</p><p>“@konkon asks: superman or batman?”</p><p>“Neither,” Jason said, chasing a <em>very high dosage</em> painkiller down with a sip of one of Tim’s Red Bull. “It’s Wonder Woman.” A chorus of agreement went around the tired and slightly injured room. Bruce simply grunted while holding an ice pack to Damian’s back.</p><p> </p><p>“@killerfrosty asks: Who’s the worst villain in Gotham?” Duke said in between handfuls of popcorn.</p><p>“Define worst,” Dick asked, upside down on the loveseat, snacking on chocolate and poking Jason with his foot.</p><p>“Uh,” Duke struggled to find an answer. He was relieved when Cass piped up for him.</p><p>“Dumb.”</p><p>“Definitely Condiment King,” Damian said, leaning on Bruce. Bruce nodded, remembering the so-called villain’s own self-inflicted downfall by slipping on ketchup.</p><p>“I see your Condiment King and I raise you one Riddler during Comic Con week,” Duke added, referring to the time Nygma almost lost his mind when cosplayers dressed in <em>arguably better</em> Riddler suits asked <em>him</em> impossible riddles.</p><p>“Both are absolute shit sticks,” Jason said.</p><p>“The one time all of you are calm is when the question involves lame villains?” Bruce asked, dumbfounded. When everyone nodded in agreement, Bruce felt more tired than ever.</p><p> </p><p>“@starcitymayor asks: all of this sounds too convenient y’all sure you’re not the bats?” Everyone looked at each other.</p><p>“I mean,” Dick said, “we’re pretty sure?”</p><p>“But like, what if we were, man?” Tim said.</p><p>“We’d actually be doing something important rather than wasting time with this live,” Damian said, his feet on Bruce’s lap and another cracker in his hand.</p><p>“Kid’s got a point,” Jason said.</p><p>“That settles it, we’re not the Bats. Although it’d be cool, wouldn’t it?” Duke said.</p><p>“Nah.”</p><p> </p><p>“Bruce, @makent asks: do you regret adopting them all?”</p><p>“All of them, all the time, except Cass.”</p><p>“Technically, I’m not adopted,” Damian said haughtily.</p><p>“And technically, your mom’s not a psychopath,” Tim mumbled. Damian launched himself across Bruce, who caught him in the nick of time. Dick grabbed Damian and hauled him to the loveseat, using his legs to trap the younger one.</p><p>“Like I said, all of them, all the time.”</p><p>“I’m his favorite,” Cass said proudly.</p><p>“Yes, you are.”</p><p> </p><p>Cass held one question down that made Duke sorely uncomfortable. He truly wished Steph was here to handle this one, since none of the other birds would dare attack her the way they would him.</p><p>“I—fine, @greenlight asks: who’s the hottest?” Duke immediately stood up and hid behind the sofa, staying clear of the possible outbreak.</p><p>“No,” Bruce said, killing any conflict at its source. Cass looked up at him, blinking. He sighed, patting her hair. “Fine.”</p><p>“It’s me!” Dick said, nearly falling over and dragging Damian with him.</p><p>“Have you seen my guns?” Jason said, flexing.</p><p>“Same place as your dignity,” Tim replied.</p><p>“Fuck you—“</p><p> </p><p>“That was fun!” Cass said slowly, clapping. “We should do again!” She looked up at Bruce again, who just sighed and nodded, too tired to fight. Damian agreed, now sitting on Dick who was on the floor on the opposite side of the room.</p><p>“We’ll bring Steph and Babs next time, fuck PR,” Jason said, sitting against Tim who pulled bits of food out of his hair.</p><p>The live ended there.</p><p> </p><p>The following morning, Tim received a <em>very long and somehow very loud</em> email from his PR head. Attached were various headlines from different news sources: ‘Gotham's Royals Livestream with 9.7M Viewers,’ ‘Condiment King Creates Twitter After New Found Fame,’ ‘Bruce Wayne Reveals Favorite Child is Only Daughter Cass,’ and ‘Wayne Children Extremely Violent, Gotham Social Services Called for Remaining Minors.’ That last one was probably gonna cause a problem, but Tim chose to ignore it and read a trending piece from a student on Twitter, titled: ‘How I Will Score Tim Drake as My Sugar Daddy, A Thread.’</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Welp, this was just self-indulgence and very OOC. A bit of fun. Nothing more.</p><p>And yes, that op-ed is real. Do read it, it's a hoot.</p><p>Constructive criticism is always appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I made up most of the stuff in the story. You'll know when you see it. Also @Copyright gods, I name dropped brands and things, companies please don't come after me I have and own NOTHING, just like Nightwing's credit score.</p><p>This was just a bit of fun to lighten up my very dark and character analytic series. I wanted something lighthearted, something completely out of left field for myself. I'm not very good at fluff and crack-fic writing (clearly), so this was a bit of a challenge. I also churned this out at about 11:30p while rewatching old Flash episodes so uh. Yeah.</p><p>Also: my favorite movie is indeed P&amp;P 2005, I use Aritaum, Laniege, Moonshot, and Missha in my daily routines, as well as Body Shop, baby shampoo, rose water and fuller's earth packs. While I cannot break a watermelon with my thighs, I can break an apple in half with my bare hands. Unnecessary information. </p><p>Constructive criticism is always appreciated.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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